I remember a day when my elbow had hurt so bad and I did not know why it had hurt I had not hit it or anything so when my husband came home from work we were sitting at the table eating and talking about our day and he goes My right elbow has hurt so bad today just out of the blue it starts hurting we were so shocked that often happened that we shared each others aches and pains.We watched TV together read our Bibles together and for 2 years I did not watch television I would turn it on but quickly turn it back off it just hurt to much.
I never blamed God for his death or got mad I just went numb and watched everything crumble around me.I went from having everything to having nothing in a split second. God never gave up on me HE walked that dark road with me as I stumbled along.aimlessly. I found myself back in my childhood home after the death of my mother in January 2011 We had moved here when I was around 7 years old and I had left at the age of 17 marrying my husband. And I am sleeping in my old bedroom God is so awesome he brought me back to my old bedroom in my parents home to FIND myself.
The past several months I have lived a life of total brokenness and surrender to the Lord I can only describe it as wheat being thrown on the Threshing Floor my life being grounded and trampled upon and the beating to dispel the precious seed that can be used by God it has been a hard time in all areas of my life learning to totally trust God for my life and the things I need in it. (Provision) The Threshing Floor is a hard place to be so few make it from here it is a place of TOTAL surrender where you cry out to God to take your life and mold and purge and refine it with the refiners fire.
Matthew 16:24
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
Wanting to be used by God comes with a price the testing is hard when we say Lord I am following you just know when you pick up your cross it only means death to yourself.. The cross is heavy and weighs you down pressing you down to that floor where you will be beaten and shaken till you are emptied of yourself and the only desire of your heart is to bare that cross and follow Jesus. My breaking point came and it was the most painful experience. I sat on my mothers bed and began to weep and sob the pain and those tears came from a place in the depth of my being I never knew existed.
As I cried I was at such agony in my soul it is hard to put into words all of a sudden I could see myself sitting on the bed and I was for the first time so totally ALONE rejected and abandoned it was as if no one cared my mother was gone and my dad was gone and my grandmother who I adored was gone my relationship with my girls was strained (my fault to a measure) Then the only one who loved me so unconditionally was gone who had protected me and was my covering my best friend I was overwhelmed with grief and had never felt such loneliness my sobs were so deep and so hard I was shaking the bed.
I whispered Jesus I rejoice that Dean (my husband) is with you and worshiping around the throne and I would not ask him back for anything BUT my God and My Savoir who is going to love me? That was the desire of my heart at that moment I was so broken before God in his mercy a split second after asking who will love me He sent them I was no longer alone sitting to my right and on my left and behind me were Angels I could not see them BUT they were there the one to my right was the most prominent I could feel he was so close I looked to see who was sitting there no one in the natural they wore a short gown like garment with a with a belt of fabric I tried to rest my arm on their leg nothing that I could see or feel BUT they were there.In front of me stood 2 more they stood side by side wings stretched out on either side.they just all sat with me as I sobbed.
At some point I looked and between the 2 angels in front of me I could see Jesus as he lay in the garden he was face down to the ground praying and he was so broken I could feel his brokenness it was so over powering the pain he was feeling my heart began to hurt very badly as if it would burst. As I cried out to him he took my brokenness onto himself. and they were gone I am still enduring some fiery trials and I am carrying my cross following Jesus until he walks me home around that great throne.
Debra
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